What is acceptable? I often look around at the actions of friends and strangers alike around me. Often it is their kids that I am watching, but whichever it is I often ask myself this question…what makes them think that is ok?
Often this question occurs after I witness something that is out of the ordinary, at least in my world, and everyone’s reaction, including the parents, is often to just laugh it off or ignore it. I am talking about something that is considered rude such as a child hitting either you or another person in crotch or a child hitting their mother because they are mad. Of course there is also that language that some children use in the regards to their parents or other adults that tends to get my attention.
I have often wondered how we arrived at the point where we no longer bother to give instruction or correction to our children or the children of our friends. The only time you really see someone giving guidance to another persons child or one of their family is when they are a grandparent. It is actually accepted by most of us that older people are expected to speak up and make corrections. I actually enjoy this most of the time.
How often do you see an older person being spoken to rudely by children or being hit by them? I would wager to say it is not very often. Why is that? Because as parents we would be apalled to have our child do something like that. It breaks all the rules of respect that we as adults know. It is almost like the holy grail of etiquette blunders.
How did we come about this knowledge about how to treat our elders? They taught us how we were supposed to act when we were children. I knew as a child that to mistreat an adult would bring the verbal and physical wrath of my father and it was to be feared. And heaven forbid I was to do this inside a store with my mother…talk about a humiliating experience. It was instant correction and it was in front of everyone.
My parents took the time to teach me the wrongs and rights of life. One of the most important things I learned in life was my place in the family. I was a child and I knew it. Not because I was disregarded but because my parents knew what were proper actions and language in regards to other adults and they told me what the rules were.
When I failed to live up to these standards I knew it and so did everyone around me. Discipline was on the spot and it usually included an apology on my part and it was often a tearful one. Embarrassment is a strong tool and quite effective when it comes to kids. I don’t know if my parents were embarrassed when the corrected me but I am pretty sure they didn’t care that much about how it looked.
I guess one of my questions is who lowered the standards? At what point did the higher standards of parenting become passe and we started to look the other way so much of the time? While good parenting often includes the words “I love you” and “you’re great” it should also include the words “no”, “stop that”, and “that is not acceptable”.
Think about this…
If you say “no” and your child asks you why can you answer them?
If you say “stop that” and your child asks you why can answer them?
If you say “that is not acceptable” and your child asks you why can you answer them?
Can you take those questions as teaching moments and give a valid answer? There are a lot of moments to teach your children when these questions come up. Are you in the habit of saying no, stop that, and that is not acceptable to yourself? Self indulgence is a trait we can pass along to our children.
Start practicing on yourself and when it comes time to answer your child’s question of why you will be familiar with the reason and be able to articulate it to them what you believe and have accepted in your life.
Oh yeah and next time your child acts up in public the truth is everyone IS watching you to see if you can parent. Do yourself a favor and give us something to cheer about. On the occasions that I have seen a parent successfully embarrass/correct their children with words are even a good swat to the hind end I have said “damn right” under my breath…
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