God Is Good - Life Sucks

In church you often hear the word “unconditional” to describe God’s love for us. I think everyone is assuming that we all have a foundation for what love is and then we imagine that foundation X 10.

What does the person do who has been homeless and abused and has no foundation for what real love is. Where do we start from? It is pretty much the same felling I get when someone describes the church as a family…

As I watch families around me go through the turmoil of loving each other and dealing with such turmoil on a regular basis I find I cannot look to other families for what love really looks like. Maybe I have not seen the right family but for the most part it is not a desire of mine to be involved in that kind of life.

So what does unconditional look like? It is my daughters. I am not dissing my wife as she is most important in my life and will always come before anyone else, I am saying there are conditions of our relationship that do not come with daughters. I know daughters change but as dads we always seem to have a spot in their lives that are reserved for love.

When my first daughter was born I was terrified of her and immediately gave her to God so he could raise her. I would participate but I did not want to the responsibility of making mistakes while raising her.

I was found undesirable and became homeless when I was ten years old. I was the only one that was rejected out of a family of eight and I felt that someone who was worthless as a kid could never be trusted with another life much less a daughter.

So I started my parenting days as an observer watching God raising my daughter as he desired. Over time I became less afraid of being a parent but the most important thing I learned from the watching my daughter was the she did not care who I was or where I had been. I was not rejected as I had feared but loved without reason.

I started to understand my past did not matter and all my previous faults had no sway with her. I was dad and dad ruled. He was to be loved with no reserve. I began to understand what it meant to be loved by God. To God I ruled and he loved me no matter where I had been or what I had done. I was finally getting a grasp of what unconditional love was.

It is the sweetness of a daughter’s hug x 10. Pretty freakin awesome…

I was having a conversation with a friend about another friend who has stopped talking with me for the last six months. Nothing negative happened even though there were some uncomfortable moments, for the most part it was a good relationship that I enjoyed.

As I described the relationship and how I felt about the whole thing he made an interesting observation. He said “There are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friend for life” and that this friend would probably fall into the “friends for a reason” category.

I was in the process of counseling/mentoring this person and we reached a point where there was a difference of how things should go so we apparently parted ways. This is often the outcome of many of my relationships when scripture comes into play…

Friends for a reason - people who are placed in your life for you to mentor or for them to mentor you. In you life for a determined time span.

Friends for a season - people you are friends with at work, small group, play sports with…etc.

Friends for life - Your wife or husband. Your children. In-laws (groan…:-). And friends who seem to hang on no matter how often it seems you may disagree or argue, they are special. We often feel every friend is in that category but time will show you the truth.

While there may be some blurring between the lines of these categories seem to be solid. Can you tell which category you are in with your friends and they with you? More importantly can you say without a doubt that your wife or husband are in the friends for life category?

My best friend for life is my wife…

A question was recently put to me about becoming involved in a new ministry and many things went through my mind. Questions like am I the right person for this ministry, do I have the time, and I spiritually prepared after a long layoff from this type of work.

I pondered over them and talked with my family and my wife said we could go ahead and discuss the opportunity. The barometer for ministry and the thing that keeps a balance in my life is my wife. She usually has a good pulse on what the family can do/withstand.

I have been talking with her and I will follow that up with talking with my brothers who also have a good understanding of who I am and why I do things. Their counsel is important to me.

There has been something in the back of my mind while I am considering this matter and I have been trying to figure out what it was. Finally it came to me last night… Am I willing to put forth the effort?

You would think the fact that I have to ask this question negates any reasons I might have for participating in ministry. Not so, you see I am a pragmatist. No matter how excited I may be or how great the opportunity may seem I look hard at what really counts.

1. Am I the right one for this?

2. Will my pride be a problem?

3. Am I going to be in public? (I am an introvert)

4. Who is asking and can I trust them to be honest? Not lie/blow smoke up my rear to get me on board.

5. Does my wife and group of men I listen to think it is good?

6. Finally… Am I willing to actually try? By that I mean put forth the time and effort.

Questions 1-5 cannot overcome question 6….

I know there many thoughts and actions on the subject of abortion and they are way to many and varied for me to even address them. Abortion is such an emotional issue that we hear the words kill and murder associated with them. There is even a political platform just for the abortion argument.

I have changed how I look at abortion over the last few years and it is due to becoming close to a family that went through it when they were a bit younger. It has changed my view of how I “feel” about abortion.

At one time I used to enjoy seeing the bumper sticker that quotes Mother Teresa’s comment on abortion. It was “It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish”. I felt righteous and I felt like saying “Amen” every time I saw it. Below is the actual bumper sticker.

That was then and this is now.

Now I am saddened by the bumper sticker above and cannot stand to see it any longer. You may wonder why that is and how did I change. It was simple. I rode in a car with someone I cared about deeply who had an abortion and was regretful about it in every part of their heart and mind and I saw this bumper sticker. I also saw the pain that it caused.

In that moment there was no amen on my lips, only a sick feeling in my stomach.

I remembered the story above when I recently stepped out for lunch and happen to drive by a Planned Parenthood building. At this building there is usually a contingent of people out front with signs or if they don’t have them they just stare at the cars that are going into the parking lot. I can understand the silent objection and actually appreciate that these people come out day after day to let it be known how they feel…

Then came the day that prompted this blog. When I drove by on my way to pick up lunch and there were two adults and two children standing outside the parking lot in silent objection. The only difference was that they had their arms crossed and their backs to the driveway. The statement made was obvious and brought on the same sick feeling in my stomach.

The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach was followed by these thoughts, “you disgust me and I can’t bare to look at you”. I saw hate and rejection. I also saw a Christian standing there. Not a real one, just one that had on a cool t-shirt.

While I agree that abortion is wrong, I firmly believe that God would have me pray for the emotional healing these people will need later on. Just as my friend, who needed love and prayer also, suffered and still suffers after the decision to get an abortion.

This post is an opinion in every way but it is born out of a life experience. I know the facts about abortion but this time my heart wins out and I must bend a knee and not stand in objection for those who will have suffering and sadness for years to come.

I am starting a study in Romans and there are some notes in the front about how to participate in the study. There is pretty strong wording against using commentaries in the study and a large reliance on letting God reveal scripture to you.

I was flabbergast. No commentaries? I think I am almost worried about doing a study without commentaries. How else will I know what God means?

I rely a great deal upon what more experienced scholars have to say about scripture and the context they can put it in but I don’t think I realized how much I rely on other people for what God has to say instead of what He has to say to me.

I have written previously in my journal or a blog about being called before God and being asked what I actually know about Him from being in relationship with Him and how much is just hearsay.

I look forward to discovering more that what Romans is all about I look forward to what God might have to say to me. Although it will be difficult to trust my own thoughts when they are bouncing around in my head by themselves.

This seems to be a fading question. As we turn our attention more inward as a nation our attention to others plight is beginning to wane. By looking in we tend to miss what is happening external to ourselves.

Have you seen someone moping around and wondered what was wrong? Just ask the question…Is everything ok?

What could possibly happen? They would be willing to tell you that things are not great and for once willing to bend a strangers ear with what is on their heart? That might require something that you might not be willing give. So the question becomes more about us than about what is happening in their lives.

I think the question is a small peak into our hearts. I know I have considered not asking a person if something is because I didn’t want to invest the time and effort just in case they needed me. I have no excuse.

I know that there are multiple catch phrases in the church such as “inward facing” or “outward facing” and we use these to express how we want our church to be viewed. Inward facing is a church that cares for those inside the church and outward facing would be a church more directed towards evangelism. I am paraphrasing.

The point I am making is that it doesn’t matter if what direction you are facing if your eyes are closed visualizing success or just looking down to avoid the wounded person. After all it is difficult to be brought down by someone else’s moaning and groaning.

I did ask the question the other day and guess what? An hour later the person was in tears and I felt terrible for them. My heart was breaking and all I wanted to do was fix the sorrow. I could not. I sit here now writing this feeling down and somewhat depressed about it.

I also feel like a servant to my Father. Weeping with those who suffer and listening to the words of a broken person. Is everything ok…

I was having a conversation the other day with my wife. As I previously wrote in my “Lost in action” post I have had a tough time in my life in regards to my past with sexual addiction.

The conversation ran along those lines. My wife and I were talking about her experiences in talking with wives and the hopeful healing of their husbands from different types of sexual addictions. My wife mentioned a common question that comes up during her conversations with these women. It is “does the temptation of sexual addiction ever go away?”.

Her answer to this question struck me profoundly. “In today’s society where the rains of temptation are always falling there is no way to escape the temptations, but that does not mean he should tilt his head back and drink of it.” I was struck by the picture that she was able to draw with such an answer.

I can picture myself standing in a warm summer rain with my head tilted back catching rain drops on my tongue. It is a satisfying picture that I have made up. Like most satisfying pictures I have created in my mind there is usually little reality to it. Rain tends to lower your body temperature, no matter how warm it is, after only a few minutes which quickly brings on an uncomfortable chill.

Rain drops cannot satisfy. They provide a fleeting satisfaction. A few drops to wet your desire for water but far to little to satisfy. I never felt satisfaction while I was in sexual addiction. I would draw this picture of a satisfying rain in my mind only to realize that in truth that I am cold and thirsty.

As I write this it is raining now…

I have recently been talking with a couple different guys and pretty much just listening to the conversations from a perspective of not being to deeply involved. You know, just trying to keep a somewhat detached view so I can take the whole collection of conversations as a whole and possibly give them some insight into life.

During this time I have begun to realize that I am having a detached conversation with God. I can hear myself asking God for guidance, a change of heart, and direction in my life. But to be honest I am just standing there listening to my words and trying to figure out why I am asking for these things.

It is almost like I was a third party to someone else’s prayer closet. By doing this I am not really becoming involved but just trying to figure out a solution to why I need these things. I am surprised that I do this. It feels like I am one of those disembodied apparitions watching a guy pray. Odd huh?

I realize I am not participating in my own prayer life. I am watching from the outside and hoping with all my might that this guys prayers come true. Almost like a reality show…

I think that is part of my way of avoiding pain. If I just watch this guy and his life. I will be somewhat disappointed if things don’t work out for him but I wont have to suffer the real pain of disappointment.

I wonder what that guy is going to do or pray about next…

For that last two weekends I have been fishing with a friend. I have found it relaxing. As for my friend there is an importance to fishing that I do not have. He must catch fish or the trip is a failure.

Fishing is one thing which I don’t have to catch fish to consider it a successful day. Just the conversation and time spent in the boat or casting from the shore is good enough.

I am pretty much the same way with hunting as I am with fishing. I like the outdoors and enjoy time alone with my own thoughts. I was feeling pretty good about myself and how I had grown in my maturity. I could participate in something and not get upset or make it into a contest. I had a well earned proud 30-40 seconds.

As usual I continue to mull things over and find some way to ruin an otherwise good prideful moment. And true to form I was able to figure out why I was able to relax.

I don’t eat fish or wild game so it really doesn’t matter if I am successful. What what I do with the successes? Certainly not enjoy them. Second reason… it is hard to be really intense about something you suck at.

Now if I had to go out and hunt cows then I think my tune would change. I would feel pressure bring home a cow every time I went hunting. I would buy the special bow or gun and wear camo with scent protection. I would own videos on the best ways to track them. I like to eat beef and I bet if needed to I could get frustrated and would see an unsuccessful hunt as a failure.

So there goes my prideful attitude and self righteousness about how I have matured. It was nice while it lasted…

From the title is would seem this is going to be a manly blog! Sorry but it is about a fish dinner and the older generation.

My family and I (inlaws included) went to the Lions Club for a fish fry dinner. The line seemed to last forever. I am 44yrs old and I felt young in this crowd so the pace was not what I would call fast.

While I was in line though I noticed that everyone seemed to be fine with the slow line. I also noticed everyone seemed to be doing odd things. Such as saying hi to every single person who was near them or at least everone who passed within ten feet.

The thing that stood out most to me, other that the fact everyone seemed to know everyone, was that they all seemed to be happy. I also noticed that everyone seemed to going at the same pace, not speedy.

It was at that point that I realized that to most people that were there the phrase “hurry up” was no longer valid. Hurry up and do what? Physically a couple of people could have been rushed but for the most part everyone there realized that it was a waste to do that or physically couldn’t hurry up.

I appreciated this insight as I looked around but to be honest it led to a bit of distraction and perhaps a little jealousy. They had something that I did not. Time. I continued to turn this over and over in my mind and finally came to the conclusion my jealousy was over the satisfaction of the relationships that everyone seemed to be enjoying.

While more than a few people there may have been short on time they seemed to have a lot more of it than I did. Is this an illusion or is there a lesson in it somewhere for me? I know relationships take time but as I stated in my Hurry Up blog I am having a hard time slowing down.

I am a bit flustered with what to do. Hurry and grow old so I can enjoy life? Jeez I hope not.