What is acceptable? I often look around at the actions of friends and strangers alike around me. Often it is their kids that I am watching, but whichever it is I often ask myself this question…what makes them think that is ok?
Often this question occurs after I witness something that is out of the ordinary, at least in my world, and everyone’s reaction, including the parents, is often to just laugh it off or ignore it. I am talking about something that is considered rude such as a child hitting either you or another person in crotch or a child hitting their mother because they are mad. Of course there is also that language that some children use in the regards to their parents or other adults that tends to get my attention.
I have often wondered how we arrived at the point where we no longer bother to give instruction or correction to our children or the children of our friends. The only time you really see someone giving guidance to another persons child or one of their family is when they are a grandparent. It is actually accepted by most of us that older people are expected to speak up and make corrections. I actually enjoy this most of the time.
How often do you see an older person being spoken to rudely by children or being hit by them? I would wager to say it is not very often. Why is that? Because as parents we would be apalled to have our child do something like that. It breaks all the rules of respect that we as adults know. It is almost like the holy grail of etiquette blunders.
How did we come about this knowledge about how to treat our elders? They taught us how we were supposed to act when we were children. I knew as a child that to mistreat an adult would bring the verbal and physical wrath of my father and it was to be feared. And heaven forbid I was to do this inside a store with my mother…talk about a humiliating experience. It was instant correction and it was in front of everyone.
My parents took the time to teach me the wrongs and rights of life. One of the most important things I learned in life was my place in the family. I was a child and I knew it. Not because I was disregarded but because my parents knew what were proper actions and language in regards to other adults and they told me what the rules were.
When I failed to live up to these standards I knew it and so did everyone around me. Discipline was on the spot and it usually included an apology on my part and it was often a tearful one. Embarrassment is a strong tool and quite effective when it comes to kids. I don’t know if my parents were embarrassed when the corrected me but I am pretty sure they didn’t care that much about how it looked.
I guess one of my questions is who lowered the standards? At what point did the higher standards of parenting become passe and we started to look the other way so much of the time? While good parenting often includes the words “I love you” and “you’re great” it should also include the words “no”, “stop that”, and “that is not acceptable”.
Think about this…
If you say “no” and your child asks you why can you answer them?
If you say “stop that” and your child asks you why can answer them?
If you say “that is not acceptable” and your child asks you why can you answer them?
Can you take those questions as teaching moments and give a valid answer? There are a lot of moments to teach your children when these questions come up. Are you in the habit of saying no, stop that, and that is not acceptable to yourself? Self indulgence is a trait we can pass along to our children.
Start practicing on yourself and when it comes time to answer your child’s question of why you will be familiar with the reason and be able to articulate it to them what you believe and have accepted in your life.
Oh yeah and next time your child acts up in public the truth is everyone IS watching you to see if you can parent. Do yourself a favor and give us something to cheer about. On the occasions that I have seen a parent successfully embarrass/correct their children with words are even a good swat to the hind end I have said “damn right” under my breath…
you said –
“Oh yeah and next time your child acts up in public the truth is everyone IS watching you to see if you can parent. Do yourself a favor and give us something to cheer about. On the occasions that I have seen a parent successfully embarrass/correct their children with words are even a good swat to the hind end I have said “damn right” under my breath…”
This sounds like an awful lot of judging going on and that perhaps YOUR watching is indicative of this judging……I think other people have too much going on to be watching, judging, and even criticizing others and that perhaps others learned the Biblical lessons of such behavior simply not being acceptable………
ya know???
Could be. I certainly don’t claim that I do not judge other peoples actions but there is a lot to be said for what you see.
Although I really don’t get your point. Are you saying we are to busy to pay attention to our own kids or what is going on around us…
What is not biblical about what I said. The fact that I have an opinion? Let me know I am interested in your comment. Seriously.
my point is that you sound very judgmental – and are almost okaying and encouraging others to be just because you are. Do you know the Bible clearly tells us not to judge?
No, I am not saying that we are too busy to pay attention to our own kids rather we are, or should be, to busy to pay attention to what others are doing, either parenting or being a kid, in order to judge, form an opinion or otherwise disparage what others are doing.
What scripture are you talking about? I believe in the context you might referring to it is referencing Judgment of whether a person is saved or not. Of course we should judge the actions of another person. How else will be able to tell if our brother or sister need help, prayer, or even the dreaded correction? I am glad I have people in my life who pay attention and judge my actions. Those men are the ones who care the most and will judge my actions and then talk with me.
I often watch the actions and interactions of others in my life and my children’s lives. Why would I not do that?
I think you wrap up hateful and judgment all in the same category. I often become frustrated with the lack of effort or desire for people to parent their children and that is what the blog is about.
It seems you may have rushed to judgment…
hm. You’re not too busy to notice another parent’s parenting (or lack thereof) when that child is loudly pitching a fit, saying something rude to you, kicking you, throwing something at you or someone nearby, etc. When a child acts out, we notice. We also notice when the parent doesn’t discipline their child. That noticing and wishing that they would isn’t judgement.
Maybe what you’re talking about is a kind of voyeuristic judgement that I don’t think he’s talking about. I don’t think he’s interested in parents micromanaging their children, but rather managing them in the broadest sense.
Just a thought.
For starters –
Matthew 7:1 clearly states – “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”
To judge in this case means to condemn; to deliberately pick-out/select/choose something to argue against; to subject to censure; to pronounce an opinion on what is right and what is wrong.
Your belief about my beliefs or context – you said – “I believe in the context you might referring to it is referencing Judgment of whether a person is saved or not.” – couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s not my place, nor should it be anyone’s to judge, believe, guess, wonder, accuse or otherwise a persons salvation – usually thats between a person and God.
The context I am referring to is when people judge other people based upon their actions, behaviors, appearances, words, thoughts, ideas, etc., etc., etc. – and then arrive at a conclusion about who that person is, what they believe, etc., etc. This kind of judgement – which seems to quite prevalent among today’s “christians” – is strictly prohibited by Scripture which encourages us to LOVE your neighbor rather then judge them based upon the judgers preconceived notion of who they should be, much less how they raise, or discipline, their children.
To Kaylen – Yes I am too busy to notice another parents parenting (or lack thereof) because I’d rather look at the parent in love, not condemning or judging. Children are children and guess what??? They do act out now and then – perhaps you did when you were a kid as well???
Hmmm… A lovefest. How am I supposed to judge/ascertain who a person is unless I look at their lives in regards to their words and actions. I don’t think there is a mythical “just love them blindly” way to do that. I think in the process of seeing and listening to someones actions and words we do make an initial assumption of who they are. Who doesn’t?
I think maybe you are still caught up on judgment as a bad thing. I agree we are not to judge a person and condemn then but that does not mean we turn our head and “just love” others. It sounds as if you are mixing up emotional love with the love scripture is talking about.
You be the judge… hypothetical questions!
My neighbor screams at his wife a lot and has shown up at his house at night after getting boozed up…
Proper judgment – He is a drunk driver who has problems controling his temper. He verbally abuses his wife and could use some counseling.
Improper judgment – That guy hates his wife and drinks and drives because he doesn’t give a crap about anyone else.
After the initial assessment (I would make the first one) I would talk with him. Since I am his neighbor I would start with a cigar/beer and some conversation and so on…
What is wrong with that? I have judged his actions but not in a harsh way.
As for you response to Kaylen – if you are to busy to pay attention to all areas of another persons life, including parenting, then you should probably slow down. I am not talking about being nosy or a gossip but about taking the time and investment in another persons life. Just loving sounds good but do you really believe that is all they want?
Looking the other way has almost become an art in today’s church…
Oh I see….Jesus never loved blindly did he??? Perhaps you ought to spend some more time ascertaining his direction, teachings, and words and you’ll see there is nothing mythical about them.
As Bob Marley said – ”
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”
Sounds a lot like the teachings of Jesus – No??
As for your saying your not being nosy or gossiping you begin this post with
“I often look around at the actions of friends and strangers alike around me. Often it is their kids that I am watching, but whichever it is I often ask myself this question…what makes them think that is ok?”
Often implies often and if you often ask yourself “what makes them think this is ok” then it suggests that you are often being nosy, gossiping and judging, probably most of this internally as you wouldn’t want others to know just how much of a hypocrite you might be.
I’m not “caught up” on judgement being a bad thing – btw, you sound judgmental even in these words – I KNOW that God has been trying to teach his followers forever to not judge others and He even sent His son to, among many things, convey this same message.
And Oh? Why should I slow down just to be able to judge others?
It would seem that any statement that I make is judgemental to you… You are trying to argue from the perfect moral ground of WWJD. Judgment and condemnation are two different things. I am simply stating and I did in the previous comment that we can make judgements about peoples actions without condeming them.
By the way… you have invalidated your argument with this statement…
“Often implies often and if you often ask yourself “what makes them think this is ok” then it suggests that you are often being nosy, gossiping and judging, probably most of this internally as you wouldn’t want others to know just how much of a hypocrite you might be”
I feel terrible now…:-)
It would seem to me that you are defending your right to judge and be judgmental even though you proclaim to be a Christian……its funny how people mince. mix and spin words – me included – in order to defend actions they know are far from Christ-like. Sounds like “if it feels good then do it” allows folks to continue to do it rather then examine what they are doing and perhaps just simply stop doing it.
God and His son teach us NOT to Judge – what’s so hard about understanding this teaching?? This is far from WWJD – rather it’s about embracing and acting upon, rather then just reading and pontificating, about the the teachings of God.
I agree. You may find that I am opinionated but you would be surprised how much I treasure my friends when they look upon my life and see my sin and then approach me about my actions. That is judgment that I find ok.
Replace judgment (your word) with the word opinion or any other word you may use to view another persons actions and I think you might agree with me on most points.
By the way thanks for the comments. I do enjoy them especially when they are from the heart. You would be surprised how many people just don’t bother to say what they think…
Your welcome for my comments – I stumbled across your site and couldn’t help myself. When I view another persons actions I tend to first try and stop the internal garbage – judgment, condemnation, comparison, etc., etc., and take a second or two and pray for them, and for me, my thoughts and the internal garbage, versus jumping to a conclusion about them…..a lesson greatly learned from a good friend.
I’ll keep an eye on your blog and surely will add a comment or two when “appropriate.”
I look forward to them!