Is it possible to learn hope or is it something we are supposed to just get when we are first saved? It seems that we have all heard quotes about what faith is but how many of us really know what it is?
In my experience it was something I learned after years of thinking I understood what it was. It was something that became tangible over one bowl of Cheerios.
My family had been going through a tough time after I decided to leave the Coast Guard and strike out into the civilian workforce. I had it all planned out and to my surprise it was not working out. I was jobless for 10 months and it seemed that no one wanted me and not even God was listening.
I had grown weary of pleading with God day after day and while my family never complained I was feeling less and less of a provider and leader of my family. My pride was slowly being crushed under the weight of failure.
One day I decided that I had enough of God not listening and not caring about my prayers or needs. I needed a job and He was failing miserably in answering this one simple prayer. So it was time to get serious with God!
We were staying in a friends basement and doing labor around the place for our rent. It was out in the country a little ways and there was a large backyard the led to some woods at the edge of the property. I headed out there to have a talk with God about what I needed and to talk tough with Him.
It began as a simple prayer but as I continued to try and talk with God I became angrier and angrier with Him. In the end I was swearing and cursing and giving my final ultimatum. If He did not provide a job the very next day He would no longer be MY God. I would reject Him and do things on my own.
Guess what? No Job. I was actually surprised. Did God not know I was serious? I headed back out to the woods and told God I was done. I no longer wanted Him and I had enough. I felt great and was so relieved that I no longer had to rely upon a failing God. I headed back into the house and looked forward to my new life without God.
I woke up the next morning and to my surprise felt no different than any other day. I have no idea what I expected to feel like but it wasn’t anything special. I sat down to breakfast and my wife placed a bowl of Cheerios in front of me like other mornings and I bent my head to pray.
It was at that moment I realized what having no hope felt like. It was terrifying. I was alone and my family was alone. I had no God to pray to or to rely on. I realized that I was just tired of waiting on God but that deep down I had hope that He would take care of my family and me.
I jumped up and ran across the back yard to the woods to the very same place that I had cursed God and abandoned Him and fell to my knees. I was full and sorrow and wept while trying to explain myself to God. I was sorry and wanted nothing more than to be with Him and talk with Him.
I learned what hope was over a bowl of Cheerios or more likely I learned what having no hope was over a bowl of Cheerios. I learned a truth that still stays with me to this day. I think daily about hope and therefore I thank my God daily for it.
God must have actually been listening to my cries for help because two weeks later I landed a good job at a technology company.
That’s my problem – I’ve been eating the wrong breakfast cereal.
But it all seriousness, this a good reminder. I’m 7 months in, and still don’t see the light at the tunnel. But I’ve got to remember that I couldn’t have gotten the 7 months so far without God carrying me the whole way.
You can try Cheerios…:-)but I give no promises about a new job in 10 months.
I look forward to hearing your story when you write about this time in your life so remember the details for me!
ha. yeah, sometimes doesn’t it seem so easy to turn your back on God? you know, to live as an atheist. then we realize how God permeates EVERYTHING, and subsequently realize that we’re foolish for believing we could crowd him out. psht, I’ve had one of these moments too and felt equally foolish, then thankful.
“I no longer had to rely upon a failing God”
This really struck home with me. I have reached the point in my life today where I have thought that God is a failing God.
I have no idea why he brought me here to this place in my life, I have hit rock bottom. I never understood how anyone could ever commit suicide in my entire life, I now think about that very idea myself but I havn’t the courage to do it.
I can’t give up on God either. The gospel of his full and free forgiveness holds me fast.
Rock bottom sucks. I am glad you lack the courage to commit suicide. My thoughts during this time did include just ending it all. I was so tired and worn out that even trying was a failure.
Having experienced this time of suffering I did gain many things. Clarity in what I really wanted. I thought it was a job, money, fun and laughter but in actuality I just wanted to know that God loved me and that when I wake up in the morning He has a plan. Those two things still make up my greatest desires today.
As for my feelings about relying on a failing God… He was failing to give me what I most wanted at that moment… some semblance or normalcy in my life. I still don’t have much normalcy in my life but I did finally figure out how little I really care about it.
I will pray for you now that God does show you that He loves you in your suffering, and that is what it is, and that He will show you through His Holy Spirit that you are secure in His hand and that your path is well prepared.
I am sorry for your suffering and will keep your needs before God today.
Lin
I am hangin on…waiting for the sun to shine again. One thing about being rock bottom is that the Psalms really come to life. I can feel the pain that they express. My hope rests in the thought that everything turned out well for them in the end and it will for us as well.
Hanging on is good. The Psalms are always good to read and I appreciate the reminder.